My Grandpa Married a Man: What Will They Say?

Contributed by: Loren A. Olson, MD, DLFAPA

“What are my grandkids going to say when they go back to school?My grandpa married a man?”

I was quoted in an article in the Des Moines Register called “Gay marriage law’s impact on Iowans subtle, yet powerful,” by Jennifer Jacobs…click here.

Of course I want my grandchildren to be at our wedding this fall, when my partner of over 22 years and I get married, but I had some concerns for my young grandchildren. When they tell their friends in the conservative, small town in the state where they live, will they will be taunted with, “Your grandpa’s a faggot?” Having felt the pain of that name-calling, I was concerned about protecting them.

I called my daughter to discuss it with her. She responded, “Of course, we’ll want the kids to come to your wedding.”

I responded, “What will you tell them?”

She replied, “The same thing we’d tell them about any other wedding that they were going to attend, that two people who love each other are getting married.” I am embarrassed at how much I always underestimate her. Was I trying to protect them or just trying to protect myself?

These situations always bring up a larger issue: What are the consequences of coming out or not coming out, not only to us as individuals, but to those who love us and were thrust into the position of having to deal with it? From a global perspective, social justice demands that we share our sexual orientation with others, but when it comes to decisions related to the consequences to individuals, the decision always is more difficult.

The fact that my partner and I can get married in Iowa still seems a little unreal. As I speak with friends around the country they always say, “Iowa-of-all-places,” as if it were all one word.

I realize that I still have my own anxieties about now introducing my partner as my husband. Saying “My partner, Doug,” now is almost automatic, but I also know there have been times when I’ve hoped the person to whom he’s being introduced might think he was my business partner. As a very mature gay man, out for many years, I realize that the work inside my head is never finished.

I firmly believe that most people will not hate someone they know. I know that in almost every instance where I have come out to someone, the consequences were less than what I had anticipated. I also know I’ve had a friend who was murdered for being gay.

I am very proud that my granddaughters will carry a message to their friends that gay relationships are about loving another person, just like heterosexual relationships. I hope that they don’t get hurt in the process.

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